A decade had passed since we last saw one another; the exile which ensued was mutually agreed upon. In her final days her condition rapidly deteriorated, to the extent that she could only lie helpless in the sterility and chaos characteristic of ICU units, no longer able to enunciate her desires as to treatment. No written instructions existed; the caring physicians reached the conclusion that she was beyond recovery by the time I was sought out to play the role of final arbitrator.
To see this once powerful, vibrant, intelligent and yes, too often bellicose woman so utterly vulnerable was beyond heartbreaking. As she lay in a hospital bed, head immobile and her life sustained by a respiration tube -- a painfully ironic umbilical cord -- it was impossible to discern any longer just how cognizant she was in those last hours. My reaction to this opaque consciousness was beyond my own capacity to comprehend - my own psyche was a surreal experience, a teraa incognita.
Early in the morning of November 4, 2009, at the wise and perceptive suggestion of my loving and wholly, wonderfully and fiercely supportive wife Julianna, I took a drive out to the peace, beauty and spirituality of Gate's Pass. There I spent 90 minutes or so in mediation, prayer, and a myriad of unrecognizable emotions. I sought direction, insight, wisdom, strength and perhaps even a bit of solace, confronted with what has been by far the hardest decision to make in my life, to instruct the doctors to cease sustaining the effort to keep my mother in a state barely resembling living.
I took this image as I left the desert for my car, about to begin the drive back to the very institution where Johanna Lynn gave me birth, and thus life on this planet, where I would affirm the necessity of letting her depart this mortal coil. I do believe she is finally at peace, perhaps for the first time in her existence. Requiescat in pace, March 8, 1941 - November 5, 2009.
Peace too will eventually come to me; I am truly graced and deeply blessed with tremendous support from a host of close friends and a loving family. For now, this giant green thorny entity aptly depicts my swirling state of mind, complete with heretofore unknown and newly revealed psychic appendages.
Saguaro (A Gates Pass Denizen), #5537
(c)2009 James W. Murray, all rights reserved.
(click image for larger version)
Details: November 4, 2009; Canon 20D; f/16 @ 1/400 sec; -2/3 EV; ISO 200; 18mm.
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Having limited yet sufficient understanding of the bigger picture, I see this submission thru the eyes of a child. An open armed, inviting yet untouchable figure. Embracing would surely bring pain. Still it calls out, unintelligible, unable to communicate. Twisted frustration exits from the oriface, an extra appendage looming. The entire being, an inacurate potrayal of the character it's Creator had chosen it to represent. Further beyond, the Mystery. Unknown explanations, whereupon they sit, observing our progress, as we search for ever changing clarity, aided only by our limited experience and persistence.
ReplyDelete**I find comforting irony in the work of the "little saguaro". God's Grace to you in your time of mourning.
James,
ReplyDeleteI have also played the role of 'final arbitrator' although my Mother and I were very close, at least I pretty much knew her wishes. What tortures me (to this day) is that I could not fulfill all of them.
My deepest condolences and prayers go out to you. If it is any comfort, Johanna Lynn is at peace, of this I am certain.
Mr Vaejovidae -- Thank you. On many levels I appreciate your astute perceptions of that which I hoped to convey, however insufficiently, via the combination of this image and my commentary. There is much pain, for sure, but in equal measure I have also, unexpectedly, discovered reservoirs of compassion, forgiveness, and finally, release from much bondage of self. In our final duet, my mother and I gave one another precious gifts of healing.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Cissy, for your kindness.
ReplyDeleteNot only is my mother at peace, but of course so too is yours; rest assured she would have you free yourself from needless self-flagellation over the irretrievable past. Those shackles can be released whenever you're ready to drop them.